genlisae: (confused)
I looked at the calender on my computer today and was all "Wait ... the 18th? SERIOUSLY!?"

I am still here btw, just ... ummm ... other stuffing? (as opposed to stuffing others .. though that might be fun too, I know a few people who need to be stuffed in really small closets, or maybe air tight boxes ... moving on shall we? Yes, I think so.)

updates )

Okay, so maybe I might have lied. Now that I think about it, the State of The Sims doesn't look so bad at all. Was just a matter of finding a way to put the fun back into the rebuild.


Mar. 7th, 2013 09:56 am
genlisae: (hands)
I was totally going to think of a better title. Brain is still not working though so to the point it is.

Mr. Lumpy has shrunk. I forgot to ask how much (brain function issues again, will ask Emily next week, she will know) and should continue to do so as the effects of radiation and chemo continue for the next while which means treatment was a success and now it is just a matter of occasionally monitoring to make sure it doesn't come back.

I am better. Yay!

Now to get feeling that way.
genlisae: (confused)
I have exhausted my list of things I have the mental capacity to focus on to stave off boredom. I can't even seem to focus on colouring in a colouring book right now and yet the "everything else" is not engaging enough to offset the boredom setting in. In a weird place. Only so much staring blankly into space thinking 'I really don't feel well' a person can take.

Thing is, I really don't feel well. My stomach has picked up exactly where it left off for the start of round 4 of chemo. The slice of toast I ate this morning set my stomach to churning and even small sips of water soon end up in dry heaving. I made it through the last two days mostly by sleeping, only I'm not tired anymore. Tried watching a movie (several actually) and sooner or later I realize I have zoned out and now have no idea what is going on anymore. So, I stare off into space and think 'I really don't feel well'.

Maybe part of it is the waiting for the results tomorrow? Could be. I am not sure. I seem to be kind of numb about the whole thing overall.

Very strange place I am in right now.

On the other hand, typing this has used up a few minutes so that is good I suppose.

One week

Feb. 13th, 2013 07:07 pm
genlisae: (Arlec)
Until I start the last round of chemo. You would think I would be happy about this wouldn't you? Before I can explain why I am not, I think we need to go back to last Thursday.

for talk of vomiting, not graphic )
genlisae: (confused)
I mean, okay, intellectually, I knew they did, or at least that it would be safe to assume they did. They are birds and other birds like them eat worms. I have just never seen a crow eat anything that wasn't stolen from the irate guy now waving half a sandwich, taken from a trashcan or required it be dropped from 50+ feet several times over to break open. So seeing a crow, standing next to a trashcan, across the sidewalk from a guy still eating his intact sandwich, calmly plucking a worm from the grass ... has kind of really screwed with my head!

Day 8. Oh how I hate day 8. Nothing to do with the crow now, we have done a complete topic switch. I felt great this morning! Sure, at still-damn-dark-O'clock this morning I realized I was slow basting myself in cyst induced back pain (Not joking, I have apparently spent several weeks now slowly turning over in circles and this morning I woke up enough to realize why I was doing it. If I lay in one place too long I get really nasty lower back pain. Seems I can sleep and be in almost constant, spinning motion, which is really kind of cool ... unless you are mathew and trying to sleep next to the idiot on the invisible spit-roast). Then I had breakfast. Took my pills and everything. It all went to hell from there.

Queazy, dizzy, lightheaded and coughing. The worst part is the coughing. It has been here for weeks and while 'Yay! I am not coughing up blood anymore!', now it actively feels like I am breathing water half the time. You know that "I totally just swallowed that wrong" feeling or maybe closer to holding your face over a really steaming bowl of water with a towel over your head? Yeah, that. Then the coughing starts and then I try to faint due to lack of oxygen. Good times.

Then we had to take the child to her onsite class today. Motion sickness made everything ALL BETTER! (sarcasm).

On the other hand, I did learn a few things about my child today and her win vs. fail score in life.

Fail: She was texting with her brand new (like 3 weeks now) cellphone during class (which was also a field trip so extra supervision).
Win: She got away with it by telling them she was taking pictures.
Fail: The person she was texting was her mother.
Not sure which way to call this one: Her mother may have been texting her back ... about the fail that was not falling in the stream she did actually take a picture of and text to her mother.

And that was my day. Stomach has settled down now, thank you my mommy and my child for making very stomach friendly Keilke for dinner. With even more stomach friendly yogurt instead of cream sauce.

Oh oh oh!

Feb. 1st, 2013 02:42 am
genlisae: (Default)
Forgot to mention this earlier and it kind of needs it's own post anyway. I remember telling Mom, right about when I gave her my last 2 percocet and said "I don't need them anymore and someone else has been taking them, get them out of here!" (I have a suspicion who was taking them ... I am not pleased and for more reasons than while everyone knows certain visitors often go through their medications, actually taking the medication they find is going a little far!) It seems I also forgot to mention this to Mathew (he is currently a little hurt by this) but it really did slip my mind.

Mr. Lumpy was last measured at 2.2-2.5 centimeters (depending on which angle they took the measurement from) and had grown (not angle dependent this time. Both angles showed the same) approximately 0.2 centimeters over the past 1.5-2 years. This math puts my acquisition of Mr. Lumpy at somewhere around 11 years ago. That is of course assuming a steady rate of growth, which is not terribly likely (or so I am told) which puts the probable window for Mr. Lumpy taking up residence anywhere from 5-20 years ago.

Here is where it get really interesting.

I have had acid reflux since I was 15 years old. I have had random inexplicable shoulder pain since I was 17. I was Diagnosed with Chiari Malformation nearly 3 years ago at which point the reflux and the shoulder pain as well as the numb hands and feet and random pain in all of my limbs I had been experiencing since about age 20 was chalked up to Chiari. It made sense. These are Chiari symptoms. Especially the headache that never leaves and only gets worse, the hand/feet pain/numbness and the occasional bout of temporary paralysis that worsens in both frequency and degree over time.

Except, both acid reflux and shoulder pain are also both symptoms of cancer and with the shoulder pain specifically, a symptom of lung cancer.

Somewhere around the middle of radiation the shoulder pain went away. Completely. I can grasp my hands behind my back again. With NO pain where as previously I couldn't lift my arm to shoulder height. Added to this, I can also feel my fingers again which is both really cool and really disturbing all at the same time. Relearning these concepts of hot and cold has been a bit startling. I almost miss being able to reach into the oven and pull out the pans that have been in there, baking, for a few hours and when I picked up an ice cube a few weeks ago and it was cold it kind of scared me. On the plus side I can hold a paint brush again and doodle and paint and write with a normal pen again.

The paralysis continues, no surprise there.

I need to make this perfectly clear right now, I am not taking this as a sign that a "cure" has been achieved. I knew going in that while intending to treat for a cure was the plan, it is far more likely that a reduction in tumor size is the only positive outcome. Equally as likely is no change at all. I am not taking this as a sign that Mr. Lumpy got any smaller either. Maybe, for the time being growth has been slowed and thus the easing of the shoulder pain and perhaps the proper function of my hands.

What I am taking this as a possible sign of is the possible time frame for the acquisition of Mr. Lumpy is much, MUCH closer to 20 years ago.

I wasn't joking when I said he had been here for a loooong time and that I planned to be here for a long time to come, Mr. Lumpy continuing to reside with me or no. I see zero reason I can't expect another 20 or more years even if the combination of radiation and chemo does not achieve a cure. They are not my only options, just the logical first step. I have the next two treatments to explore already lined up. Of course I am hoping they won't be needed, but one of them makes sense to adopt simply as a lifestyle choice. If it does end up working, I will be spreading that news far and wide at every opportunity, of that I can assure you.

So, since finding out the shoulder pain is gone (which I still can't believe I didn't tell him. He'd noticed the feeling in my hand returning all on his own) has Mathew feeling a bit better about me returning to somewhat normal after treatment, I thought I would put it out there for anyone else who might find it promising. Also puts things in a much less urgent time frame, stage 3 is still not a good point to be diagnosed in, at the same time (theory backed up by my oncologists here), the progress of Mr. Lumpy being as slow as it has been is incredibly promising.
genlisae: (streetsign)
At least as far as journal layouts are concerned at DW. Not 100% there yet, but closer!

As for actual me, I FINISHED RADIATION!!!!

Wednesday was my last treatment. I have pretty much been enjoying not having to make the daily drive since then. It's kind of cool. I have time again. Not entirely sure what to do with it. Still have 2 more rounds of chemo though :/ I am uncertain how I feel about this. My stomach hasn't actually settled down from the last one yet and the next is due to start this coming Wednesday.

I also find out if all of this worked on March 6th. Seems a long way away, even if it isn't really.

In nothing to do with cancer news: I still have not done anything with my game. I will get to it. I did write some of Pleasantries 6.3 this weekend.

I know! I thought it was dead too! Seems it isn't. Tybalt is clamouring in my head to get things going again and I seem to be able to do it justice so writing is happening. Good news, yes?

I also started with brushing the dust off over at [personal profile] pleasantries_sims . Thinking about updating there exclusively and just linking to it from other places. Donno yet. It is all light text on a dark background, which fits the story, sure, but is sometimes hard on the eyes. Maybe I will do both and leave reminder links for people who want to read it all dark and gloomy ... and red :P
genlisae: (Default)

14 fricken years people! countem! That is how long I have been waiting for this game!

Okay, not exactly THIS game, just the one that was promised and promoted along with the release of DKII until a moment of stunning fuckwittery which only EA could accomplish .. and they did. Flawlessly.

And now it is about to happen. With Richard fricken Ridings as THE VOICE! I cried. For serious.

I have been tracking this since I found it and am so very, very happy that their funding goals are being met. Not to say I would not like to see even more goals met (hint, hint! GO PLEDGE! It is sooooo worth it!) and on release date in August I will be absent, possibly for an extended period of time, along with my daughter .. and as I was informed earlier today, my mother. (Yeah, DK and DK II were THAT good! My Mom STILL plays them! Oh who am I kidding, so do I, and my child, a lot.)

Look into it. Consider supporting them. Most fun you will ever have being an evil bastard!

In other almost, but not quite so, squee worthy news. I am precisely 2/3 of the way through radiation treatments. Only 10 more to go.

Plus round 2 of chemo started today. That was not at all squee worthy and this time around I am not taking it so well. Probably due to the cold I am only just, almost, over. Stomach is not my friend and it decided to start not being my friend before the meds had even finished trickling into my vein.

Not having fun here!

Which is why I am about to go sleep. Like right now. Cause I have already fallen asleep sitting here twice.

genlisae: (Default)
Ages ago I was supposed to make a post all about how the weather sucked (seriously, snowing and we have to go OVER a mountain to get to the cancer clinic which means more snow) and how the people who are supposed to keep the roads drivable didn't believe the weather forecast and thus did NOT keep up with the roads. Then on the way back it was raining (turning everything into that wonderful slush consistency), like REALLY raining, can't see 10 meters in front of you raining ... and the van decided that was the perfect time to throw a wiper blade. all of this made even more fun by these not actually being replaceable wipers, just the rubber part ... with a lot of fiddling ... and it actually snapped off the screws that hold the upper portion of the arm on. So there I am, standing on the side of the highway with Mathew holding a flashlight (because Mathew gets this glazed look if anyone even mentions the word "car". It's okay, I have participated in enough engine changes in my life for the both of us, he's forgiven) in the pouring rain wiring the windshield wiper back on with bead wire in the hope it will hold until we get home and can get to the actual tools.
Hair or lack there of, nibbling bunnies and a little bit about sims. Oh and a couple pics. )

The bad

Dec. 16th, 2012 07:26 pm
genlisae: (Default)
I feel like shit.

See, not all good mood all the time (and I know there have been some who wondered).

I had a moment earlier today where I seriously questioned if all of this was worth it. For a moment more, the answer was no.

Every muscle in my upper body feels bruised. Let me correct that. Every muscle, most of my skin and a good portion of my bones feel bruised. My throat is swollen and irritated. Drinking water kind of feels like I am in the middle of a wicked case of strep.

My stomach is now my mortal enemy alternating between "FOOD! NOW! Or I will hurt you!" and "OMG you put food in me! You must PAY!" Mr. Lumpy is angry and for the first time ever very painful and I am TIRED. But rarely enough to actually sleep.



Not all good and the bad actually sucks worse than even I could have imagined.

Faced with the choice of ever doing this again, in all honesty, I don't know if I would choose to do it again.
genlisae: (confused)
I know I should have checked over EVERYTHING about every prescription I was given. I should have done more than just read the fact sheets the pharmacy gave me about them. I should have waited until my usual pharmacist was working to pick them up, because she would have caught it well before I was sitting here last night trying to sort my way through the half set gelatine fog that has been my brain for the past few days trying to remember when I last took my "as needed" anti-nausea medication. And I REALLY should have done it the moment I started getting the feeling that my medical oncologist didn't actually know what Chiari was when she told me that I got dizzy all the time because I was tired.

I know better and I didn't do it anyway.

So, for anyone else that may, at some point, decide to take complete leave of their senses and do what I did, I would like to just leave this friendly reminder to TRIPLE CHECK EVERYTHING. You know, so you too don't end up sitting before your computer with a pharmacology database open, blinking back and forth between your screen and the fact sheets you got from the pharmacy and saying "Oh my fuck! I am going to strangle that old bitty before she even gets a chance to retire at the end of the month!"

My medical oncologist prescribed me an anti-psychotic.

It can also be used, and is apparently quite effective, to prevent nausea, except, if for some reason, something else is going on, like your spinal fluid doesn't circulate properly and the medication just kind of sits there, overdosing your brain and causing more nausea ... you know, like what happens when you have Chiari Malformation.

I think I can manage to not strangle my medical oncologist before she retires at the end of the month. I did not take the "as needed" pill last night, for which she should probably be very grateful. I can almost  think clearly this morning and thus a homicidal rage does not sound like quite such a fun idea today. We will be having words though, and the first words will probably be, "If you haven't thought of it before now, I would suggest you start thinking that today would be a really good day to make your last day, because if I have to see you again, knowing you didn't read a damn thing any other doctor wrote for you to read and didn't even bother to look up what Chiari Malformation is you will no longer have that nifty retirement fund you are planning to use. I will have it when the medical board finds out about your extreme negligence."

I would probably not even be that harsh with her, the woman is beyond old, except I know, for certain she has letters from my GP, Neurologist AND Neurosurgeon that all, in varying ways and worded much more politely, say "Do not fuck with this patients brain chemistry! EVER!"
genlisae: (Default)
Well, round one anyway. Still 3 more rounds to go. My bestest stabby friend is gone for a few weeks though. This is a huge plus for me. A huge minus for today is the lack of sleep from yesterday. I did go pick up the other pills though (well, Mom did. Thank you mommy!) ... and a borrowed blood pressure monitor because I have a family history (3 of 4 in my immediate family who have taken it so far) who have the side effect of dangerously low blood pressure from taking these pills. The funny is it is just dimenhydrinate (brand name Gravol) which is not even prescription and ridiculously common.

Rambling about different outlooks and a few pics of different stuff I saw today. )
genlisae: (sad)
It is 2:30 am and I have gone to bed three times now. Not staying there because as soon as I lay down my stomach tries to empty itself rather violently and I can not take any more anti-nausea medication for 3 more hours.

Not true, I could, I just haven't picked up the 5th one that I could take while waiting to be able to take the rest of them again. Why? Because I thought to myself "Pft! This isn't so bad. Getting through this stage is going to be easy!"

Note to me: You are a dumbfuck. Pick up other meds tomorrow.


Dec. 11th, 2012 05:57 pm
genlisae: (confused)
So, I screwed up in linking yesterday. Apologies to anyone who watched the not as cool video I linked yesterday.

THIS is the cool video.

I will spare you most of the events of today because I am trying very hard to forget them myself. Suffice it to say there were many boxes of tissues being used all around me and one lady who ceases to have biology on weekends. (I'm not joking! She said so!)

I did get most of the "Not beavers with Pringles" (pic that started his obsession with beavers who have pringles is here and might make that all make more sense. I doubt it! This is Mathew we are talking about.)  finished today though so uber bonus there! And my new bestest stabby friend is now in my left arm. My right arm seems to have suffered a vampire attack at some point over night and was, apparently, completely without blood today. That was fun!

*edit* Okay, I lied. You do get pics.

The Rat-brat asked if I happened to notice the shapes of the radiation beams today. Now that she knows how it works she does think it is kind of cool, and I did notice!

So I drew her some pictures ... on post-its .... and then stuck them in the appropriate spots .... and then took pics ... and made notes with my tablet ...

Right, so keep in mind I can neither wear my glasses nor move my head so these are as best as I could make out.

Some of these are probably weird ... even for me. )

*edit again* My child is now completely embrassased and mumbling about "putting boob-it notes online ... oh-em-ge! Why must I be related to her? Why!!!???"

Parental trauma quota for the day exceeded! Go me!

genlisae: (hands)
I have decided, since I only plan to do this once, I am going to document as much of it as I can. It will be an adventure!

Rambling, WTF face, recipe mangling and a Kitten!!! )
genlisae: (Default)
I seem to have forgotten to update the further adventures of Mr. Lumpy, so I am doing that now.

Mr. Lumy's friend - totally a non-issue other than being present and pushing on nerve centres from time to time (which is a bit uncomfortable, but totally dealable) and is scheduled to be removed in march.

Tomorrow I start radiation and chemo. Round about 4 hours ago it all finally sank in that I am about to spend 6 weeks going back and forth to the cancer clinic (85km away), arguing with people about "No you can't come in, and get your damn hands off the door handle. People who actually live here have to touch that as well and you are coughing/sneezing/have just been chewing your nails." and generally getting really, really tired of being asked how I'm "coping". Doing just fine thanks! Mr. Lumpy has been here for years and I'm not dead yet, I am fairly certain I am not about to die in the next few minutes. Or the next 40 years for that matter. Plus, Mr. Lumpy has been handed his eviction notice.

It did all sink in finally though and pretty much my only thought was "This is gonna SUCK!"

And it will, and I will get through it and then carry on. I have far too much to do still to stop now.

So, yeah, if I really drop out of existence for awhile (more than just my usual here but not), you know why. Or, I may decide to just post a lot of random stuff to keep myself occupied. You never know!
genlisae: (Arlec)
I have probably spelled those wrong and I am okay with that.

Right, so, updating on stuff I said I would keep updated. I do have lung cancer. It is stage 3, this is not good news. I am okay and plan to stay that way. I refuse to be defeated by a group of cells that decided they could deactivate their mitochondria and essentially become immortal. No, absolutely not. Fuck that.

Treatment will be radiation, chemo and a lot of fruits an veggies. FYI, I hate bananas. I am eating them anyway, but I really, REALLY hate bananas.
genlisae: (confused)
I am not really doing any singing at the moment because OW! Though the nursing staff in the recovery room at the Royal Jubilee (no joke) hospital would like everyone to know that I have the most awesome hair ... totally relevant.

Right, so a procedure that is supposed to cause "minimal to no discomfort" (it says so on the paperwork, for serious, this is not supposed to hurt) actually hurts like hell. It also causes extensive swelling and random shoulder pain.

My poor GP. She is so confused by me. I feel bad for her. No one can figure out why my shoulder is hurting, and grinding when I move it or why I still have difficulty breathing. It may be internal swelling, but that isn't supposed to happen either. They can't work out why I still have low blood pressure or why I have slight hypothermia.

All things considered though it went smoothly and I will recover, though not as quickly as was expected due to the previously mentioned things that aren't supposed to happen happening. My neck is swollen all the way up into my lower face and my chest is swollen as well and I am breathing in short, shallow breathes due to pain, but I am still here.

I do have one of the most neatly stitched incisions I have ever seen.
cut for mildly graphic pic, no blood, just healing )

Seriously, look at that. Shouldn't leave much of a scar at all. I am happy about this and really wish that whomever it was that stitched up the incision from the c-section when my daughter was born had taken lessons from whomever it was that stitched up this one.

You can also see the swelling that is not supposed to be there. Kind off puffed up like a pillow from my jaw down past my ribs. Not infected, just swollen and irritated. Swallowing is not a fun thing right now, nor is talking or breathing or sitting up or laying down or ... okay, yeah, I am just really, really, really, painfully uncomfortable at the moment.

And now that I have confirmed I am still breathing for everyone I am going to go back to concentrating on staying in the realm of the breathing. It is taking a bit more concentration than it should.

genlisae: (Default)
So, I have tentative dates, which is interesting since I have had several dates so far but this time the booking receptoinist was confident enough to write them in in pen!

July 12th for the pre-op and July 18th in the afternoon-ish.

There have been a lot of "ish"es going around about this.

In all seriousness I was looking forward to the removal of the back of my head way more than I am looking forward to a camera being inserted into my chest cavity. There is going to be tissue separation and that sounds a lot like it is going to hurt, for a long time.

In other news ...

I signed up for Go Fish! at [ profile] sim_spiration. 10k words written in a genre I do not usually write for between July 15th and August 15. I am going with best case, no complications scenario here and thinking it will give me something to do while recovering.

I hope.

Edit* Speaking of [ profile] sim_spiration they are looking for more prompts for their prompt pool and the number of responses to the weekly prompts has dropped over the last several months *stares at the simmers on the f-list*. Go write something for the prompts! (Totally realizing that I need to take that directive myself).


genlisae: (Default)

Random Box of Random

Because why not?

Welcome and all the rest of that. Friend away. I don't mind at all and of course feel free to drop me a comment or a note any time! You can also follow me on Twitter or Tumblr.

June 2015

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