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genlisaeUntil I start the last round of chemo. You would think I would be happy about this wouldn't you? Before I can explain why I am not, I think we need to go back to last Thursday.
I felt okay when I woke up Thursday morning. Not great, but not terrible. Woke up around 6:30am, took my anti-emetics poured myself a glass of water and sat down to check my email. By 6:50 I was calling Mathew to come and help me stand up in the bathroom. After a rather violent bout of vomiting, I was shaking so bad I couldn't stand up.
The nausea did not leave all day. I called the cancer clinic to find out what suggestions they had, keeping in mind I am not supposed to be throwing up at all during this treatment. They didn't really have any suggestions for me, I am already at the limit of medication they can give me, except to go to the ER to get checked out and for fluids if it continued. By that evening I was in the ER just to make sure nothing else was wrong since I had just gotten progressively worse feeling throughout the day.
Nothing wrong that they could find, doctor was hesitant to start an IV (no one knows why) off I go home to sleep it off.
Sleeping it off seemed to work and Friday was better. Again, not great, just better.
Saturday ... Ironically I felt great. For the first time since round 2 I did not feel sick at all. Got up. took my medications, got a glass of water and didn't actually make it to the checking of my email. Completely lost count of how many times I threw up before I finally said enough is enough and went back to the ER. I still felt fine though, which is actually kind of funny now. The day I feel okay is the day my stomach decided it has had enough.
This time the doctor did start an IV, ran a whole new battery of tests, complete set of x-rays and more anti-emetics by IV along with 2 litres of fluids because by that point I was scary dehydrated. Didn't find anything, but it was all checked for.
Oh, wait, that isn't true. The doctor stressed that he was neither a radiologist nor an oncologist and thus everything he was about to say should be taken as an uneducated guess, but the chest portion of the x-rays when compared to the one from mid December looked incredibly promising. What was previously a very dense concentration of tissue (aka Mr. Lumpy) now looked like perfectly normal, healthy tissue. So that is promising.
On the other hand, as the IV ran and I got more hydrated, the nausea came back and has not left again. It is Wednessday now and it is still here. I still feel like I am going to vomit at the slightest provocation. Fortunately I haven't since Saturday (and this is very good news because my throat can't handle any more being scorched by extra burny stomach acid) but the feeling of I could at any point is still here, despite all the medication to make it go away.
And that is why I am not actually happy about having only a week left until the last round.
I have had serious doubts as to whether I can make it through one more. I spoke to Emily about it yesterday and she advised pushing through. Reminded me that this is not palliative care but rather treating for cure. Which means the treatment is extra aggressive because the goal is extra aggressive. If I had been 5 years older they would not be trying for a cure at all.
That is a sobering thought.
So, I will be pushing through, but I won't be happy about it.
I felt okay when I woke up Thursday morning. Not great, but not terrible. Woke up around 6:30am, took my anti-emetics poured myself a glass of water and sat down to check my email. By 6:50 I was calling Mathew to come and help me stand up in the bathroom. After a rather violent bout of vomiting, I was shaking so bad I couldn't stand up.
The nausea did not leave all day. I called the cancer clinic to find out what suggestions they had, keeping in mind I am not supposed to be throwing up at all during this treatment. They didn't really have any suggestions for me, I am already at the limit of medication they can give me, except to go to the ER to get checked out and for fluids if it continued. By that evening I was in the ER just to make sure nothing else was wrong since I had just gotten progressively worse feeling throughout the day.
Nothing wrong that they could find, doctor was hesitant to start an IV (no one knows why) off I go home to sleep it off.
Sleeping it off seemed to work and Friday was better. Again, not great, just better.
Saturday ... Ironically I felt great. For the first time since round 2 I did not feel sick at all. Got up. took my medications, got a glass of water and didn't actually make it to the checking of my email. Completely lost count of how many times I threw up before I finally said enough is enough and went back to the ER. I still felt fine though, which is actually kind of funny now. The day I feel okay is the day my stomach decided it has had enough.
This time the doctor did start an IV, ran a whole new battery of tests, complete set of x-rays and more anti-emetics by IV along with 2 litres of fluids because by that point I was scary dehydrated. Didn't find anything, but it was all checked for.
Oh, wait, that isn't true. The doctor stressed that he was neither a radiologist nor an oncologist and thus everything he was about to say should be taken as an uneducated guess, but the chest portion of the x-rays when compared to the one from mid December looked incredibly promising. What was previously a very dense concentration of tissue (aka Mr. Lumpy) now looked like perfectly normal, healthy tissue. So that is promising.
On the other hand, as the IV ran and I got more hydrated, the nausea came back and has not left again. It is Wednessday now and it is still here. I still feel like I am going to vomit at the slightest provocation. Fortunately I haven't since Saturday (and this is very good news because my throat can't handle any more being scorched by extra burny stomach acid) but the feeling of I could at any point is still here, despite all the medication to make it go away.
And that is why I am not actually happy about having only a week left until the last round.
I have had serious doubts as to whether I can make it through one more. I spoke to Emily about it yesterday and she advised pushing through. Reminded me that this is not palliative care but rather treating for cure. Which means the treatment is extra aggressive because the goal is extra aggressive. If I had been 5 years older they would not be trying for a cure at all.
That is a sobering thought.
So, I will be pushing through, but I won't be happy about it.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-14 01:24 pm (UTC)We are sending you love and good wishes.
Mich
no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 02:18 am (UTC)(It's me Mich)
I have been thinking about you all day. I know it has to be so discouraging, getting so sick in the process of becoming better. Try to stay strong and be positive.
We love you. If you need someone to talk to, rant at, or lean on, we are here.