Present and Unaccounted for

I was totally going to think of a better title. Brain is still not working though so to the point it is.

Mr. Lumpy has shrunk. I forgot to ask how much (brain function issues again, will ask Emily next week, she will know) and should continue to do so as the effects of radiation and chemo continue for the next while which means treatment was a success and now it is just a matter of occasionally monitoring to make sure it doesn't come back.

I am better. Yay!

Now to get feeling that way.

Until I start the last round of chemo. You would think I would be happy about this wouldn't you? Before I can explain why I am not, I think we need to go back to last Thursday.

( for talk of vomiting, not graphic )

Forgot to mention this earlier and it kind of needs it's own post anyway. I remember telling Mom, right about when I gave her my last 2 percocet and said "I don't need them anymore and someone else has been taking them, get them out of here!" (I have a suspicion who was taking them ... I am not pleased and for more reasons than while everyone knows certain visitors often go through their medications, actually taking the medication they find is going a little far!) It seems I also forgot to mention this to Mathew (he is currently a little hurt by this) but it really did slip my mind.

Mr. Lumpy was last measured at 2.2-2.5 centimeters (depending on which angle they took the measurement from) and had grown (not angle dependent this time. Both angles showed the same) approximately 0.2 centimeters over the past 1.5-2 years. This math puts my acquisition of Mr. Lumpy at somewhere around 11 years ago. That is of course assuming a steady rate of growth, which is not terribly likely (or so I am told) which puts the probable window for Mr. Lumpy taking up residence anywhere from 5-20 years ago.

Here is where it get really interesting.

I have had acid reflux since I was 15 years old. I have had random inexplicable shoulder pain since I was 17. I was Diagnosed with Chiari Malformation nearly 3 years ago at which point the reflux and the shoulder pain as well as the numb hands and feet and random pain in all of my limbs I had been experiencing since about age 20 was chalked up to Chiari. It made sense. These are Chiari symptoms. Especially the headache that never leaves and only gets worse, the hand/feet pain/numbness and the occasional bout of temporary paralysis that worsens in both frequency and degree over time.

Except, both acid reflux and shoulder pain are also both symptoms of cancer and with the shoulder pain specifically, a symptom of lung cancer.

Somewhere around the middle of radiation the shoulder pain went away. Completely. I can grasp my hands behind my back again. With NO pain where as previously I couldn't lift my arm to shoulder height. Added to this, I can also feel my fingers again which is both really cool and really disturbing all at the same time. Relearning these concepts of hot and cold has been a bit startling. I almost miss being able to reach into the oven and pull out the pans that have been in there, baking, for a few hours and when I picked up an ice cube a few weeks ago and it was cold it kind of scared me. On the plus side I can hold a paint brush again and doodle and paint and write with a normal pen again.

The paralysis continues, no surprise there.

I need to make this perfectly clear right now, I am not taking this as a sign that a "cure" has been achieved. I knew going in that while intending to treat for a cure was the plan, it is far more likely that a reduction in tumor size is the only positive outcome. Equally as likely is no change at all. I am not taking this as a sign that Mr. Lumpy got any smaller either. Maybe, for the time being growth has been slowed and thus the easing of the shoulder pain and perhaps the proper function of my hands.

What I am taking this as a possible sign of is the possible time frame for the acquisition of Mr. Lumpy is much, MUCH closer to 20 years ago.

I wasn't joking when I said he had been here for a loooong time and that I planned to be here for a long time to come, Mr. Lumpy continuing to reside with me or no. I see zero reason I can't expect another 20 or more years even if the combination of radiation and chemo does not achieve a cure. They are not my only options, just the logical first step. I have the next two treatments to explore already lined up. Of course I am hoping they won't be needed, but one of them makes sense to adopt simply as a lifestyle choice. If it does end up working, I will be spreading that news far and wide at every opportunity, of that I can assure you.

So, since finding out the shoulder pain is gone (which I still can't believe I didn't tell him. He'd noticed the feeling in my hand returning all on his own) has Mathew feeling a bit better about me returning to somewhat normal after treatment, I thought I would put it out there for anyone else who might find it promising. Also puts things in a much less urgent time frame, stage 3 is still not a good point to be diagnosed in, at the same time (theory backed up by my oncologists here), the progress of Mr. Lumpy being as slow as it has been is incredibly promising.

14 fricken years people! countem! That is how long I have been waiting for this game!

Okay, not exactly THIS game, just the one that was promised and promoted along with the release of DKII until a moment of stunning fuckwittery which only EA could accomplish .. and they did. Flawlessly.

And now it is about to happen. With Richard fricken Ridings as THE VOICE! I cried. For serious.

I have been tracking this since I found it and am so very, very happy that their funding goals are being met. Not to say I would not like to see even more goals met (hint, hint! GO PLEDGE! It is sooooo worth it!) and on release date in August I will be absent, possibly for an extended period of time, along with my daughter .. and as I was informed earlier today, my mother. (Yeah, DK and DK II were THAT good! My Mom STILL plays them! Oh who am I kidding, so do I, and my child, a lot.)

Look into it. Consider supporting them. Most fun you will ever have being an evil bastard!


In other almost, but not quite so, squee worthy news. I am precisely 2/3 of the way through radiation treatments. Only 10 more to go.

Plus round 2 of chemo started today. That was not at all squee worthy and this time around I am not taking it so well. Probably due to the cold I am only just, almost, over. Stomach is not my friend and it decided to start not being my friend before the meds had even finished trickling into my vein.

Not having fun here!

Which is why I am about to go sleep. Like right now. Cause I have already fallen asleep sitting here twice.

I feel like shit.

See, not all good mood all the time (and I know there have been some who wondered).

I had a moment earlier today where I seriously questioned if all of this was worth it. For a moment more, the answer was no.

Every muscle in my upper body feels bruised. Let me correct that. Every muscle, most of my skin and a good portion of my bones feel bruised. My throat is swollen and irritated. Drinking water kind of feels like I am in the middle of a wicked case of strep.

My stomach is now my mortal enemy alternating between "FOOD! NOW! Or I will hurt you!" and "OMG you put food in me! You must PAY!" Mr. Lumpy is angry and for the first time ever very painful and I am TIRED. But rarely enough to actually sleep.

So.

Yeah.

Not all good and the bad actually sucks worse than even I could have imagined.

Faced with the choice of ever doing this again, in all honesty, I don't know if I would choose to do it again.

Well, round one anyway. Still 3 more rounds to go. My bestest stabby friend is gone for a few weeks though. This is a huge plus for me. A huge minus for today is the lack of sleep from yesterday. I did go pick up the other pills though (well, Mom did. Thank you mommy!) ... and a borrowed blood pressure monitor because I have a family history (3 of 4 in my immediate family who have taken it so far) who have the side effect of dangerously low blood pressure from taking these pills. The funny is it is just dimenhydrinate (brand name Gravol) which is not even prescription and ridiculously common.

( Rambling about different outlooks and a few pics of different stuff I saw today. )

So, I screwed up in linking yesterday. Apologies to anyone who watched the not as cool video I linked yesterday.


THIS is the cool video.

I will spare you most of the events of today because I am trying very hard to forget them myself. Suffice it to say there were many boxes of tissues being used all around me and one lady who ceases to have biology on weekends. (I'm not joking! She said so!)

I did get most of the "Not beavers with Pringles" (pic that started his obsession with beavers who have pringles is here and might make that all make more sense. I doubt it! This is Mathew we are talking about.)  finished today though so uber bonus there! And my new bestest stabby friend is now in my left arm. My right arm seems to have suffered a vampire attack at some point over night and was, apparently, completely without blood today. That was fun!

*edit* Okay, I lied. You do get pics.

The Rat-brat asked if I happened to notice the shapes of the radiation beams today. Now that she knows how it works she does think it is kind of cool, and I did notice!

So I drew her some pictures ... on post-its .... and then stuck them in the appropriate spots .... and then took pics ... and made notes with my tablet ...

Right, so keep in mind I can neither wear my glasses nor move my head so these are as best as I could make out.

( Some of these are probably weird ... even for me. )

*edit again* My child is now completely embrassased and mumbling about "putting boob-it notes online ... oh-em-ge! Why must I be related to her? Why!!!???"

Parental trauma quota for the day exceeded! Go me!

I seem to have forgotten to update the further adventures of Mr. Lumpy, so I am doing that now.

Mr. Lumy's friend - totally a non-issue other than being present and pushing on nerve centres from time to time (which is a bit uncomfortable, but totally dealable) and is scheduled to be removed in march.

Tomorrow I start radiation and chemo. Round about 4 hours ago it all finally sank in that I am about to spend 6 weeks going back and forth to the cancer clinic (85km away), arguing with people about "No you can't come in, and get your damn hands off the door handle. People who actually live here have to touch that as well and you are coughing/sneezing/have just been chewing your nails." and generally getting really, really tired of being asked how I'm "coping". Doing just fine thanks! Mr. Lumpy has been here for years and I'm not dead yet, I am fairly certain I am not about to die in the next few minutes. Or the next 40 years for that matter. Plus, Mr. Lumpy has been handed his eviction notice.

It did all sink in finally though and pretty much my only thought was "This is gonna SUCK!"

And it will, and I will get through it and then carry on. I have far too much to do still to stop now.

So, yeah, if I really drop out of existence for awhile (more than just my usual here but not), you know why. Or, I may decide to just post a lot of random stuff to keep myself occupied. You never know!

I have probably spelled those wrong and I am okay with that.

Right, so, updating on stuff I said I would keep updated. I do have lung cancer. It is stage 3, this is not good news. I am okay and plan to stay that way. I refuse to be defeated by a group of cells that decided they could deactivate their mitochondria and essentially become immortal. No, absolutely not. Fuck that.

Treatment will be radiation, chemo and a lot of fruits an veggies. FYI, I hate bananas. I am eating them anyway, but I really, REALLY hate bananas.

So, I have tentative dates, which is interesting since I have had several dates so far but this time the booking receptoinist was confident enough to write them in in pen!

July 12th for the pre-op and July 18th in the afternoon-ish.

There have been a lot of "ish"es going around about this.

In all seriousness I was looking forward to the removal of the back of my head way more than I am looking forward to a camera being inserted into my chest cavity. There is going to be tissue separation and that sounds a lot like it is going to hurt, for a long time.

In other news ...

I signed up for Go Fish! at sim_spiration. 10k words written in a genre I do not usually write for between July 15th and August 15. I am going with best case, no complications scenario here and thinking it will give me something to do while recovering.

I hope.

Edit* Speaking of sim_spiration they are looking for more prompts for their prompt pool and the number of responses to the weekly prompts has dropped over the last several months *stares at the simmers on the f-list*. Go write something for the prompts! (Totally realizing that I need to take that directive myself).